USING THE BUMGUN
After you have exported products from Uranus:
1. Finish using the toilet. Breathe.
(You have taken the number 2.)
3. Before spraying create a seal between your bottom and the back of the toilet seat to stop the spray from going up your back and onto the toilet.
4. We recommend spraying from between your legs/ the front side, as this directs the spray away from more sensitive parts of the anatomy.
5. Aim the bum gun at your rear cheek, then half spray to check your aim and the pressure.
6. Reach a comfortable pressure and spray on and around the area in question.
7. Enjoy this novel feeling, you are cleaning yourself!!
8. After a good spray, replace the bum gun in its holster.
9. If this process is new to you then we would recommend drying yourself with some toilet paper, as it can take a few tries to master the technique.
10. After using the bum gun a few times and you know you are clean, you can go fully toilet paper-free and dry off with a reusable bum towel. (Ask before using someone else's!)
12. Congratulations you have cleaned yourself and saved trees!!
Give yourself a pat on the bum!
How to Poop:
Humans were designed to squat to release their bowels,
However modern toilet design prevents this from happening.
For a more natural and comfortable experience:
Try imitating squatting by having your knees above your hips,
And reduce the distance between your chest and knees.
This stance can be made easier using a toilet stool
(Highly recommend checking out the squatty potty video on youtube)
For more information on positions and what your poo is telling you,
check out our blog roll.
The bottom line is this, you’ve been on a good roll with toilet paper,
but now it’s time to go with the flow.
Butt jokes aside...
Everyone makes deposits in the porcelain bank almost every day,
And everyone you know has a poo growing inside of them.
I feel it is time we show poo the respect it deserves,
It has been a part of you,
It has been in you, with you, and through you
It literally knows your insides out.
Because holy shit,
If everything you put into your body is good,
And your good body does its good bodily functions,
Then your poop should be the good excretion of you
So give it thanks as you send it on its way!